By Karen Sternheimer

Many of our social interactions are guided by unwritten rules. But sometimes we don’t know what to say when someone experiences a profound loss, or the words others use in attempt to provide comfort can miss the mark.

Writing in the nineteenth century, sociologist Émile Durkheim described anomie as a breakdown of social rules during times of rapid change. While he was focused on macro-level changes, and how we communicate about loss is more micro-level, we can borrow his insights. After all, in the U.S. we tend to avoid talking about death and thus might not know how to do so even if we want to.

As Peter Kaufman wrote about in the last months of his life, some of his acquaintances seemed to avoid talking about his difficult diagnosis:

Many people generously offered their services—car rides, cooked meals, dog walking, house cleaning, class coverage, etc.—to ease the burden on me and my family. But after this early outpouring of support, the empathy well dried up. As the weeks went by, few of these individuals followed up with me, and when I would encounter them on campus or in town the conversation rarely touched on my medical situation….

In my case, many people who are aware of my medical situation see me on campus or receive work-related emails I send. Surely, there are opportunities for them to check in with me to inquire about my condition. But if they did, they would be forced to confront a subject and speak a language that is unfamiliar and upsetting.

I suspect that people just don’t know what to say to someone dealing with loss or a difficult situation; as noted above, we don’t know how to “speak a language” about loss. Having gone through something traumatic recently myself, here are some proposed guidelines to having difficult conversations with people experiencing loss:

1. DO let someone know that you are sorry for what they are going through but keep it short. During times of crisis, it can be hard to focus and even a well-intentioned message that seems long can be overwhelming.
2. DON’T presume to know exactly how the person is feeling. I received a message that said “I can’t possibly know what you are going through” and then a sentence later said “but I’m sure you’re feeling XYZ.”
3. DO express that the person is in your thoughts, even if you barely know them. Social media posts from the person are a great opportunity for a warm emoji or quick comment that you are thinking of them. Reactions of care and concern can feel very supportive, even if they are brief.
4. DON’T expect a direct response. After a family member lost her husband recently, she posted her gratitude to those who reached out but gently let them know not to expect a response from her, at least for a while. While I was in the middle of a recent crisis, I received multiple texts, direct messages, and emails from people who wanted to know if I was okay while the emergency was in progress and shortly after, sometimes from people I hadn’t heard from in years.  A well-intentioned friend asked if I had a preferred charity that they could donate to in our honor. It was a nice sentiment, but in the midst of managing the shock of a crisis, and in my case figuring out where I was going to live, I couldn’t begin to think about how to answer this question. These messages added to my “to do” list at a time when I was already overwhelmed. Several messages specifically mentioned that they didn’t expect a response and didn’t want to add to my to-do list. Some of the best messages came from people days and weeks later, just letting me know they were thinking of me. Often after a crisis is no longer in the news, or a funeral is over, people who can forget about the event and move on with their lives. But for people coping with loss the crisis goes on for months or years.

5. DO make small gestures of kindness. When acquaintances asked me if I needed anything, I said no thank you and meant it. But when people surprised me with gift cards, dinner, and in one case earrings, it meant a lot. It wasn’t the stuff; it was the outpouring of support that made the difference.
6. DON’T offer unsolicited advice, even if you think it will make things better. “I’m here for you if you need me” was always nice to hear, but something more specific could be presumptuous, especially if you don’t know a person very well. For people who have lost a loved one, hearing “they’re in a better place now” or “they aren’t suffering anymore” might feel good to say, but it might not feel good to hear.

There are no one-size-fits-all rules for talking to people about loss; the list above is just from my personal experience. And of course, cultural scripts shape the guidelines for conversations about loss, or the lack thereof, so these conversations might be different in other cultural contexts.

Culturally specific rituals can help people cope with loss, as can connecting with people going through similar experiences. What other social scripts might people adopt when communicating about loss?