By Janis Prince Inniss

A few days ago, my husband asked, “What date is Valentine’s this year?” Date, not day! How would you feel if your spouse or significant other asked that question? Would it be grounds for divorce? Confirmation that he or she is an insensitive and uncaring lout given that everybody knows Valentine’s is February 14^th? 

Not only do we (well, except my husband) know the date, but we know the “signs” that communicate Valentine’s: candles, Cupid, red roses, and boxed chocolates. It is the cultural event of romance! Last year the average American spent $120 on Valentine’s Day for a total of $16.9 billion. Valentine’s Day is the number one sales day for florists; almost three quarters (74 percent) of all Valentine’s Day rose purchases are made by men for women. Many men propose on this day, and restaurants are booked solid long in advance. Valentine’s Day is about passion, romance, and “true love.” 

Valentine’s Day seems to originate from a Roman fertility festival called Lupercalia that was celebrated on February 15. During the festival young women would place their names in a container and single men would draw the names of their companion for that year. Many of these pairs got married. St. Valentine, the Christian priest for whom the day was named, was martyred in A.D. 270. Some legends indicate that St. Valentine was executed for marrying Roman couples despite the edict by Emperor Claudius II not to do so; being married and having a family was thought to interfere with military service. In 498 A.D., the Roman Catholic Church proclaimed February 14 St. Valentine’s feast day as a way to do away with Lupercalia because the pagan tradition reveled in romance – and the church held that marriage and romance should remain separate. 

Do you think that everyone falls in love? It’s natural as we mature, right? Western ideas about love, romance and marriage are relatively new, actually. Today, the mere thought of a loveless marriage is enough to make us shudder, but this was very desirable in earlier centuries.

Until the 1800s, marriages in the U.S. and Europe were often arranged by parents and other family members on the basis of pragmatic and economic issues such as property. Another primary purpose of marriage in these days was to rear children; if romantic love was considered at all, it was usually a secondary consideration. It is a modern, Western idea that marriage should be based on love and that young people should choose their own mates. 

Romantic love and its relationship to marriage have always been shaped by large cultural and societal influences. Even today romantic love is not a natural or universal experience across the world. Although many countries have similar Valentine’s Day celebrations, some Hindus and Muslims in Eastern countries—many of which continue to have arranged marriages, in which prospective partner opinions may or may not be taken into account—have been fiercely opposed to celebrating Valentine’s Day. With its emphasis on romantic love and passion, the celebration is perceived as a Christian/Western affront to Eastern values. 

In some societies where marriages continue to be arranged, the Valentine’s Day focus on romance and public declarations of love is considered at odds with or even offensive to that society’s values. In contrast, in modern western societies we expect happiness and fulfillment in marriage, and we don’t mind proclaiming those expectations publicly. 

What does passion and romance mean to you? How much of your definition of romance is based on what you see in the mass media? How much does what you see in mass media influence what you think about and expect on Valentine’s Day? Do you measure your significant other’s efforts based on those depictions? Considering how highly scripted this high holy day of romance is, is there room for individual expressions of love? Based on what I see all around me, I would expect my husband to not only know when Valentine’s Day is, but to appear before me on February 14^th with some token goodies (the aforementioned candy, flowers), and maybe even some diamond, heart-shaped jewelry! 

Valentine’s Day is the ultimate symbol of the passion and romance that we expect from relationships today. Paradoxically, many depictions of romance are hard to measure up to, given the heavy market emphasis on fantasy. It is difficult to feel positive about your partner and relationship—especially in relationships that are not going very well—when we compare ourselves and our mates to what we see in the media. We have to find realistic ways to make our marriages and relationships fulfilling, and that takes the year-round practice of responding to our partners’ needs. Like a garden, a marriage or other relationship cannot be tended one day a year. 

I appreciate romantic gestures, but expect them all year and don’t expect them to come only in red, heart-shaped packages. What’s meaningful to me? A regular supply of grocery store flowers—and groceries, since I detest grocery shopping!