By Janis Prince Innis
When I learn of friends and families who have decided to live together, I wonder about the legal implications—especially when the couple decides to buy a home or share some other large financial undertaking. In fact, when I hear of some couples getting married, I often think about the legal implications of those unions. Does she really want to be legally bound to that guy? Is he sure about legally joining with such a woman?
The romantic notion of marriage is that it is a union between a man and woman (or, if you’re more liberal, this definition could include two people of the same sex). Have you ever been married or even involved in a long-term serious relationship? If so, then you know that these relationships are not ever just between two people!
I’m sure you’ve heard things like: I don’t care what his mother thinks because I’m not marrying her! Really? Marriage and similar relationships are not only legal institutions but also social institutions that define who our family is. And trust me, your family of origin (the one into which you were born) has a lot to say and do with your family of (pro)creation (the one you create through marrying and having children).
At a basic level, think about the quality and nature of family relationships if your in-laws hate you! Imagine the friction this could cause between you and your spouse and between your spouse and his or her parents. Want to bet that this will interfere with the spousal relationship? And if children are born into this fractured situation, how do you imagine all of this might play out? Yes, it will lead to another area of battle: “Your mother hates me! Why would I let her watch the baby?”
The truth is that although we like to think about our romantic lives as just ours, they exist in a much wider context. Wearing my family therapist hat, I could discuss the many ways that your past influences your mate selection. But thinking as sociologist, I know the family—our most basic unit of society—is important too.
I had never heard of the Sister Wives until I saw it showcased on The Oprah Winfrey Show, but it illustrates some important issues about family formations in this society. The show is about a polygamous family (one in which three or more people are married). Actually, it features a polygynous family—one man with more than one wife; this is the most common form of polygamy. How come? Why is polyandry—one woman married to at least two men—not at least as common as polygyny? How come fundamentalist Mormons practice polygyny, but not polyandry? Do you think that in a society of single women outnumbering single men, these double standards are a surprise?
In a society in which we have double standards about sexual mores and behaviors that constrain female sexuality, polyandry would be an even bigger stretch than polygyny. (In fact, the husband in the show referred to the idea of his first wife being in a polyandrous relationship as “vulgar.”) This is an example of how much more prescriptive we can be about the numbers of sexual partners women have than men.
During the show, one of the “Sister Wives” asked a question worth considering: Given that all of the women entered into this relationship freely, why can’t they be left alone? (I think the comment was made in the context of the husband facing felony charges for bigamy.) Good question: Why can’t society leave people to form families as they like? Or do you think you’re free to stay single, mingle as you want to, or marry whomever you choose? Sure—but there are a few guidelines:
1. Be single if you want to, but you’ll miss out on the tax and other incentives that married couples enjoy.
2. If you’re cohabiting, be glad you didn’t live in a time when it was illegal to do so, as you would not have been able to rent a place together. And if you live in Florida, Michigan, Mississippi, North Carolina, or Virginia, be careful as these five states still have anti-cohabitation laws on the books! According to a legal expert I consulted, these laws have not been enforced in years and are thought to have been made unconstitutional by the U.S. Supreme Court decision, Lawrence v. Texas, 539 U.S. 558 (2003), which gave gay couples a constitutional right to be intimate—and therefore, gives heterosexual cohabitants the same right.
3. Your beloved had better be of a different sex (in most states of the United States, anyway) or you can’t marry.
4. You had better only have one beloved, or at least keep your additional loves outside of marriage. We practice monogamy—at least ostensibly. (I’m not endorsing extramarital affairs, simply stating the conditions for marriage in this society.)
5. Your beloved had better not be a family member. (Like almost every other society, we insist on rules upholding exogamy: We prohibit marriage and sex between relatives.)
Can you think of other rules to add to this list?
Thanks for sharing this! I find it quite interesting that there’s a bigger picture to a marriage than just the two people having their own marriage. The facts are nonfictional and truthful though. It’s always important to look deeper into family ties that you have with the other family because that could arouse numerous issues throughout the expansion of the marriage. Also, I find this entire article extremely interesting along with your example on polygamous families. Once again, thanks for sharing.
I like the conversation. This is article is true to so many people. When a man and a women get into a relationship they need to think about the people that are around them and how they are going to be affected. Their relationship is about them, but it also affects others and they need to make choices that will make everyone happy or compromise. Also, couples jump into things way to fast and then later on they learn that they really don’t know each other and their families. Then they get into trouble after that. In this country there should be a marriage between a man and a women or (man and a man and visa versa). But more than one spouse is wrong and they can go to another country if they want to have multiple ones.
I think every person in a family has a specific role to play, wheather it is providing for the family, or doing housework, each person has something to do, and they help each other do what needs to be done. I also believe that relationships and marriage should be between one man and one woman. Nothing else!
I would agree 100% that marriage is more than just a legal union. I know that when my parents used to argue and bad mouth each other, i definitely felt the strain on the relationship. Thank God they never divorced, but i couldnt help being deeply affected by what and why they were arguing. As one said bad things about the other i would feel it too because i am a part of both of them and it discounts me as well. Also the fact that some men would marry more than one women kind of disturbs me and it should be considered illegal.
Your article is so so interesting. Your section talking about the family and the in-laws is so truthful. As much as people think that a relationship is only between two people the truth is that it involves much more than just themselves. Then your example of the Sister Wives is so fascinating because as a person who comes from a family of one man and one women marriage to see that that isn’t always the case is really interesting.
I agree that we should be allowed to choose who are family is, even if it is against the norms of society. It is the decision of the individual, and if others do not want to be married to many different people, or be married to someone of the same sex, then they do not have to. Perhaps if society was more flexible with the marriage choices allowed, a lot of problems would be solved.
I really enjoyed this article-America lives in a society where one man and one women having children is a family or in some cases a homosexual couple with kids. But your article made me think of what the defination of a family really is-is it what society thinks it should be or can it be any kind of bondship and cohabitiation? It really get you thinking.
I think the views on marriage has changed very much over the years. I dont really agree on the polgamy marriage. When your married it should be to the one person you love.One man to one women.They should not start a family if they are not willing to commit to one person.
I really liked this article thank you! I think anyone can get married no matter what their beliefs or sexual orientation are. If thats what the people on the Sister wives want, thats fine! I agree that when two people get married it involves so many more people than just those two and sometimes people forget that.
With all the laws that say who us citizens can and cannot marry or live with, our government is practically deciding our future for us. There’s so much talk about gender socialization, and our government has a lot to do about it as well. I find it quite ironic that in that particular religion polygamy is okay, but when it comes to polyandry it is described as “vulgar”. Our government should allow citizens to do as they wish, rather than be interfering sociologically.
Polygamy is wrong. You should not be married to more than one person, I don’t know how someone could love more than one person at a time.
In my opinion, families are about the love they share for each other and the way the support each other and lift each other up.